Forty years ago today, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis. Twenty-nine years ago today one of my oldest friends was born. And today I will cross the threshold of my first house in Seattle.
It's a classic Seattle April day here, with rain drip-drip-dripping noncommittally and dove grey skies robed in mountain-country clouds. I woke to remembrances of Dr. King on NPR and drove to work listening to the Decemberists spout literary glamour. "Decked by a Japanese Geisha with a garland of pearls" indeed.
My car is full of painting supplies. My apartment is full of beer and wine at the ready for tonight's open house. I am full of maudlin; of sentimentality, excitement, fear. I love change but I sometimes feel lost after I've caught whatever change I'm chasing.
This mindset is pretty much central to who I am and how I think, which I think can be pretty maddening for many people who watch me along the way. A friend once put a song about Virgos on a tape for me (yes, a tape) with some pretty damning, hilarious lyrics, but my favorite part went like this:
Virgo has to know the why, the who, what, when and where
She'll strive to reach perfection, and then improve from there!
Whether or not you believe in astrology, that is pretty much spot on. I'm restless for constant improvement and I have to know every damn detail on everything. Improvement equals change. Ergo I'm constantly changing elements of my life trying to find the best option, or a way to make myself better. Even after we bought the house I went on the real estate site every day to compare the new houses on the market to the house we purchased. I simply had to know that we got the best option in our price range. (We did).
Both Hombrelibre and my sister think I'm insane for doing this. My sister said that the second they bought their house she stopped looking at what else was out there. I simply cannot do that. It might be physically incapable for me. Ignorance is never bliss for me. It is only by knowing that I can relax.
The more I know, the better I feel. It's not knowing that sends me into a panic. My default assumption, when I'm ignorant, is always something much, much worse than the truth. I will imagine every horrible scenario that I can fathom. If I didn't look at houses every day I would convince myself that 18,000 better, cheaper houses came on the market the second we closed on our house. When I was fainting regularly at shows for awhile a few years back I decided I was dying because I didn't know what fainting felt like. Before I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis I was (yet again) convinced I was dying, or at least had cancer which was pretty understandable considering I was crapping myself regularly and my hair was falling out in clumps every day. Now that I know what fainting is like I don't stress about it. Now that I know what ulcerative colitis is I can spend countless hours researching alternative therapies and harassing doctors and reading about it.
So for those of you out there who think you're protecting your Virgo friends when you don't tell them something...you're not. For the love of god, tell them if you're mad at them or if they have a piece of spinach in their teeth or if they need deodorant. They might look temporarily taken aback, but by god, they'll love you for your honesty in the end.
'Swearin.
3 comments:
for god's sake put some deoderant on, Cedar. I can smell you from Redmond.
First off, congrats on the new place. Knowing you and John, it's bound to be an envious purchase. A place with character and amenities.
I'm a proud little Virgo too. This you know. I pride myself on working hard to make things easier to do. In the end, the non Virgo and I get similar tasks done in the same amount of time, but I do it better. :)
As you said, through striving for perfection, we attempt to better ourselves as we age. Never content with where I am and who I am.
Just the idea of looking for a house upsets my Virgo heart (something I might have to do soon.) In contrast, once something is beyond my control (and I do love control,) it's off my plate. In a way, this is all part of my Virgo laden plan; Controlling my obsessions and quirks while moving on so I have time to perfect other things. Moving on: Something I most certainly had to teach myself.
Lastly, hurray for honesty and down with polite indifference.
In that case, there is something I need to tell you.
Your pants are unzipped.
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